I Love You
by Jell-OOO
Summary: Just because I let you go, doesn't mean I wanted to.
1. Chapter 1

"_**I LOVE YOU"**_

**A/N. **This fic is three shots. Yeah. **Three shots**. Hahahaha! So if you have any violent reaction after reading this.. I can't blame you. Wahaha! This is the story that I mentioned in my last update, remember? And in this story, I didn't include Ruu. This fic is focused mainly on Kanata and Miyu. Oh. And about my story Bitter-Sweet Revenge, I deleted that story. Because I, uh, decided to revise it. Sooo, maybe I'll post it again after I'm done rewriting it. And please do leave a review and tell if it sucks or anything. I'm begging you. xD

Ps.. I wrote this fic because I was kind of depressed these past few days. That's why. LOL. :)

**_X~x~X~x~X_**

**Kanata Saionji.**

That's the name of the very first boy I've ever love. Well yeah, I've known him for almost half of my life now. He's a jerk. A real bastard in disguise. He acts like he's an almighty and perfect in front of everyone but will be back in his old self when he's with me. We fought almost every day. He always loved to pick up on me. After we wake up, the whole day, and before we sleep. He's always commanding me to cook, to clean the whole temple, to do the groceries only to yell at me afterwards. And he's always leaving me all alone in the temple every night just to meet the girl of his dream, Akira. And every time he would come home late, he would always find me sitting at the bottom of Saionji's stairways, sleeping. I fell asleep waiting for him to come home. He would wake me up, that annoying but cute grin is always on his handsome face. He would call me an idiot for falling asleep in the middle of the night at the stairs. I'm always ready to argue back but whenever I see that happy smile on his face, was enough for me to shut my mouth up. I would always bit my lips until it bled just to stop my tears from falling. I'll always give him a happy but fake smile as an answer. He'll ask me what's wrong and I'll answer I 'm just sleepy.. and tired. And I would say good night to him and would rush to my room and will curl up in the corner and would cry myself to sleep. It's always like that. You know, I got tired of hearing his happy stories about him and Akira. It.. it just that.. I really can feel, I mean literally, that my heart's breaking to pieces. It hurts.. so much that I can feel a part of me inside is shutting off. That's why I started to avoid him every night he would come home, but yeah, it's kind of pathetic that I'm still waiting for him at the stairs but the conversation.. that was the one I was avoiding. I don't even know why I am still waiting for him, maybe you can call it foolishness. Yeah, I'm a fool. You could say that. Because seriously, I'm inlove with someone whose treating me only as a friend.. whose madly in love with someone better than me.. such agonizing situation, isn't it? I don't even have the courage to say how I really felt about him. Or the question is.. do I really have the right to tell him about it? It doesn't make any sense, right? And that fact can certainly break my whole heart.. and even my soul. That the only guy I've ever love can never be mine. Like, you know, _**never. **_

I've always wanted to forget about him. To pretend that I never had these kind of feeling for him. I even tried dating Mizuki. I tried focusing my whole attention to him. I even tried kissing him. Yeah. My first kiss was Mizuki, not Kanata. But as I said.. I _tried. _I break up with him immediately when I realize that I was being unfair to him. I knew exactly how it felt to have your heart broken, right? I don't want to hurt Mizuki, but.. I can't possibly make him happy if I didn't love him. I have no right to keep him if he can still be happy in someone else's arms. I'm not that selfish, you know. It's hard for me too but it'll be harder on him if I didn't do it ahead of time. I don't want him to feel what I am feeling right now..

One night, while we were having our late night dinner, Kanata suddenly asked me about Mizuki. He still didn't know that I already break up with him. I lie to him. I said we were okay. I laugh and said to him that we already had our first kiss. It was true, though. But I was surprised when he suddenly dropped his chopstick on the table and look at me with that blank expression on his eyes. I got no other reaction from him, just that. After a few seconds, he abruptly smiled and stood up and said,

"That's good. Then I gotta go. I forgot I'm going to fetch Akira. Bye then. Goodnight."

And then he left.. leaving me there behind, dumbfounded. He's going to meet Akira again.. I bit my lips again.. it.. it hurts.. it hurts so much that I couldn't even utter a single word. I can clearly feel my heart's being shattered to million pieces.. over and over again. Because of the excruciating throe, I can't cry. I want to, but I can't and it makes me feel like I'm already dead. Makes me want to be _dead_. Because of that thought a single tear escaped my eyes. And then, another came. Sobs wracked my fragile frame. I actually like it more when I am crying, it's not like that I want to cry, I'm not a masochist or something, it's just that.. the pain here in my chest can be lessened if I am crying. But this time, I can feel it.. the crack on my heart is going deeper and deeper. Should I stop this? I men, should I stop loving him? Is this the right time to let him go? I never had him, but.. I need to let go of my feelings. To bury all these damn feelings I tried so hard to kept; which is constantly destroying me, in the unfathomable part of my heart? Should I? How? How can I forget about him? How can I even forget about the only boy I've ever love?Who gave me so much memories to remember?

In all those past three years we lived here in Saionji Temple, we always fought about something so simple, and yet he can be the sweetest person I knew. He always had his childish attitude that he obviously got from his father. He can always make me smile and cry at the same time.

But.. He didn't love me, did he? That's why maybe.. I really should let him go. Maybe I'll contact my mama now and tell her that I miss them and I want to live in America with them. That's the right thing to do.. right? Right? Another sob escaped my mouth. Just thinking about leaving him.. to not to be able to see him every day.. His silly smiles, His cute laugh, His annoying jokes, His face when he's mad at me, His voice..

I won't have another chance to see or hear all of those if I leave.. I know that. But, it won't make any sense too if I were to stay. He love someone else, he would never look at me like the way I wanted to, he would never love me.. never. I hugged myself. My heart's pounding too much.. too much that I think it would want to come out on my chest. What should I do? I don't know.. My whole body's aching. My tears are overflowing.

_Kanata.._

They were escaping my eyes like a faucet. I don't want this.. I don't want to leave him.. but I have to.. I have to..

**_X~x~X~x~X_**

"K- Kanata?"

"Hmm?" he didn't look at me.

"I'm.. I'm leaving.." I tried to hide my hoarse voice. I wonder if he noticed it.

"Where to?"

"America.. I'm going to live there with mama and papa." I saw him pause for a moment.

Please look at me.

He didn't even spare me a single look. I bit my lips again. I realized that biting my lips became my hobby when I'm in agony.

He still didn't answer. Doesn't he care?

"K- Kanat—" he suddenly turn his back on me.

I felt another twinge in my chest when he did that.

"Take care then."

A single tear made its own way through my eyes.. just that? He didn't even bother looking at me.

While my tears are so busy streaming down my face I managed to let out a heartbreaking smile..

If only Kanata could see me right now. Maybe, just maybe he would take pity on me.

Won't you look at me? Please, just this once..

I'm suffocating. Do I mean nothing to him? Even as friends? Why is he doing this?

"I'll.. I'll go then." Can't he even tell that I am crying?

I slowly turned my back on him.. as I tardily trying to remove my gaze at him and started to walk away, I think a part of me is slowly sinking in the deepest portion of my existence..

"_I love you Miyu.."_

I turned my head when I heard a voice saying that.

Was it my hallucination? Because when I turned to Kanata he still had his back turned on me. If he really say it then he would be looking at me right now.

I shook my head. Another set of tears drift out my eyes. It's just my imagination, I'm sure of it. I need to stop this. I need to go.. without looking back. I start to move my feet forward and decided not to look back again.

"Don't go.."

There was that voice again. I wiped the tears in my face and continue to walk. I need to stop imagining things. I need to forget him, I don't want to, but I need to..

I held the doorknob on my hands. My eyes were closed as I step forward outside the room where I left my heart together with the person I truly love..

"I love you Kanata." I said when the door closes. "I love you.."

** next chapter will be Kanata's thoughts. :) please do review.. I can accept flames. xD


	2. Chapter 2

"_**I Love You"**_

**A/N. **I got stuck on Kanata's character here that's why it took me a long time to finish this chapter. I really don't know if this will fit to Kanata's character and attitude, I'm so sorry about that. Hehe. By the way thanks for the reviews :)

_**X~x~X~x~X**_

_Miyu Kouzuki._

That's the name of the very first girl I've ever love. Well yeah, I've known her since I was a child but we just got close when her parents decided to live in America and leave Miyu in our custody, I mean, in _my_ custody. She's so clumsy, a very noisy girl that wouldn't shut her mouth up unless she's tired. She's always hungry and she always ate our food and ate mine too. I always love to pick up a fight on her. Because seeing her annoyed but always cute face can make my day. It never fails to bring me in a good mood or bring a smile on face every single day. Maybe I'm always commanding her to cook, to clean the whole Saionji Temple, and do the groceries but I just wanted to talk to her.. to hear her voice. Because I don't know how to start a conversation with her, maybe I'm shy or is it because I like her that's why I don't know how to treat her right? Is that it? Seriously, I don't know. All that I know is I like her and I always wanted to be with her. But when Mizuki talked to me one day about Miyu. The bastard has the nerve to tell me that he really likes Miyu and if possible he wanted me to be the bridge between them. I fight the urge to violently punch him in the face. The hell? I like Miyu too! But then I realized that nobody knows that I like her except for me. Oh, I forgot that my childhood friend Akira knows that I like her too. But, well I guess I was too afraid to admit it to anyone especially to her that I like her. I'm a coward. A damn sheepish boy.

I sighed at the thought and told Mizuki that I can't help him. If he really likes Miyu then he should be the one to tell her that. He should be a man and court her by himself. I said it coolly with my usual cold voice. But, shit! I wonder how I can tell it to him, if, I myself, couldn't even have the courage to tell her how much she mean to me? I excused myself after saying it and call Akira. I need someone to talk to, I need to release the anger here inside me and calm down. And Akira is the only one I could freely talk about my nonexistent love life.

Akira and I met at our old meeting place. I told her everything that happens today. I told her how mad I am at Mizuki for liking Miyu. She just calmly listened to me until I was done babbling my complaints at her. She just smiled, put her hands under her chin and look me straight in the eye. She giggled before she let out her reply to me.

"You're jealous."

I look away. I feel my cheeks are hot. Am I blushing? Hell, no. I never blushed before. Besides, blushing is for girls only. I'm not a girl. I'm a guy. I stood up and slam my hands on the table. I pretended to be mad before I told her that I'm not. But of course, she was not my childhood friend for nothing. I knew that she knew that I'm jealous. We decided to go home, I didn't noticed that it was that late. I walked Akira first at their house before I go home. Before we bid our goodbye she said to me that I should just be honest with myself, if I won't there's a possibility that Mizuki will confess to her first. I sighed and ignore what she has said. On my way home, I'm thinking about Akira said. I clenched my fist. If I have just enough courage to tell to her that I like her. I'm scared.. I'm scared that she will reject me and maybe she will start to distance herself from me if I will say it to her. I sighed again. I'm so pessimistic, ain't I?

When I reached the Saionji temple's stairways I was surprised to see Miyu sitting at the bottom stair. She had her head lean on her knee. Is she asleep? I wonder why would she be at the stairs at this hour. I woke her up. She moaned and looked up to me. She scratched her eyes and uttered my name. I smiled when she did that. I'm happy to see her. I wonder if she was waiting for me to come home.

"Um.. where have you been?" she asked.

"I met Akira. We ate our dinner too. Have you eaten, by the way?" I said grinning.

I saw her lips parted slightly and she looked away from me before she answered "yes". I laugh at her reaction. I asked her why she was there, but before she could answer my lips automatically say something. I said she's an idiot for falling asleep in the middle of the night at the stairs. I saw her becoming annoyed but she looked away again, bit her lips and didn't say a thing. I asked her what's wrong and she looked at me again with a smile on her beautiful face. I almost blushed because of that smile. See? She can affect me by just her smiles. Oh, man. I like her so much. She answered, she said she was just sleepy and tired. She turned her back on me and say goodnight before she ran through the stairs. I followed my gaze at her. I saw her long blonde bounced as she was running. I smiled bitterly. I wanted to follow her and hug her at the back. it was always in my dreams every night, you know? To hugged her tight and kissed her. I sleep and woke up every damn single day with her on my thoughts. She was just so close to me, yet I can't reach her. I touched my already messy hair. I wished that someday I'll have the courage to say it to her. So that this pain here in my heart would completely disappear.

But when I learned one day that Miyu and Mizuki are dating I feel like my heart's going to burst.. It is like Akira had said.. Mizuki confessed first that's why Miyu chosen him. I bit my lips. I can taste blood but I can't help it. my heart hurt so much that the only thing I could think of is to hurt my physical body too. I tried to punched the wall with my bare hands but before I could do it Akira stopped me. I looked at her and a single tear escaped my eyes. I wanted to tell her that it hurts.. but I can't find my own voice to speak. She hugged me and tapped my back. She said that I don't have to worry, Miyu and Mizuki will probably break up too when the time comes. And when that time comes, she said that I'll make sure that I'll confess to her. I didn't answer. I know she was trying to comfort me and probably lessen the pain but.. it didn't. I tried to keep pretending that I'm okay whenever she's with me. I keep pretending that I'm okay, that it doesn't hurt. But whenever I will see them together a part of me is slowly sinking into nothingness. The jealousy and pain that I am feeling at the same time is killing me. It is also like having broken ribs, every breath I take, hurts. Damn! I wanted to crash Mizuki's face whenever he will put his hands at Miyu. Yes, he's my friend. But, what can I do? I'm still human, you know. I get mad even at my closest friends. But.. he's Miyu's boyfriend now. What possibly can I do if the only girl that I like for the long time, likes someone else? Nothing. I can't do nothing but to watch.

One night, while we were eating our late night dinner, I asked her about Mizuki. I asked it like it didn't hurt, not at all. I even have a smile on my face. But, inside I can feel my heart's being broken. Asking it was like jumping into a 99th floor of a building and unfortunately, still alive and hardly breathing. But I need to pretend in front of her that nothing's wrong. She laughed and said they were okay. I feel another flinched inside my chest. I wanted her to stop talking, but I am the one brought who this up, didn't I? She continued and said that they already have their first kiss. I was surprised at what I have heard and drop my chopstick on the table. I was too shock to react. It feels like after falling in the 99th floor building a big truck has suddenly run over me. I was too hurt to say something. I try my best not to show any emotion when I'm looking at her. My eyes suddenly felt hot. This is bad. My tears are about to fall. I take up all my courage to smile and stand. I said the best excuse I could ever think of.

"That's good. Then I gotta go. I forgot I'm going to fetch Akira. Bye then. Goodnight."

And then I left. The moment I closed the door, my tears fall. I leaned my back on the door behind me. What the hell? I noticed that I became a crybaby ever since I fell in love with Miyu. I like her, no, I love her so much that whenever I think of it, it hurts.. it hurts.. I can't say anything.. no words can describe how I am feeling right now. I clenched my fist until my fingers are digging in my palms. I felt a hot liquid run through my hands. I look at it and I saw blood. I must've digged my nails too much.

_Miyu.._

She looks so happy.. maybe.. I should just let her go and let her be happy. Another tear escaped my eyes. "Shit!" I whisper while I am wiping the tears on my face. Stop crying, moron. You're a guy. You are not supposed to cry. I walked away and go to the forest near the Saionji Temple. There, I scream. I scream as loud as I can. Why? Why should I have to let her go? She's not mine to begin with, right? But.. I can't make her happy.. she loves someone else.. I don't want to do this.. I don't want to leave her.. but, I have no other choice, do I? I have to let her go.. I have to..

_**X~x~X~x~X**_

"K-Kanata?"

I was surprised when I heard Miyu call my name. I decided to let her go.. if I'm going to look at her now, I'll probably forget the decision I have made. I didn't look at her.

"I'm.. I'm leaving.." I noticed her voice was kind of broke. Is she crying? I'm dying to look at her but for some reason I just can't..

"Where to?" I made my voice as cold as possible.

"America.. I'm going to live there with mama and papa." It took me awhile to register what she had said. She's leaving? I felt my heart stopped beating. She's.. she's leaving? Damn! Why is she doing this to him? why is she causing him to hurt and suffer so much? I can't say anything. My mind was blank for a moment when I noticed that my tears automatically fall from my eyes.

"K-Kanat—" I turn my back on her so she wouldn't see that I am crying. I don't want her to see me crying and laugh at me.

Another tear escaped my eyes.. and then another followed. It was endless.

I managed to say a phrase to her. "Take care then."

I bit my lips after I say that. I know I'm being selfish now. I can't even look at her face. How can I? Tell me, how can I? How can I ever faced her and show her my tears? I can't.. I just can't..

I feel like I'm suffocating. I can't breathe because I was trying to hold my sobs.

"I'll.. I'll go then." I can hear her hoarse voice again.. why? Is she really crying?

As I felt her steps going away I feel like a zombie. I can't even move or speak. I don't even know what to do without her.. is this really the end? I won't be able to see her again? I won't be able to hear her voice again? To see her annoyed face? Her smile? I closed my eyes. Tears are escaping my eyes like a waterfalls.

"I love you Miyu.." I whispered.

I love you for the longest time. I love you.. I wanted to say that to you.. I love you so much..

I noticed that she stopped walking but I heard her footsteps again after a few seconds.

Don't leave me.. please..

"Don't go.." I whispered again. I was too weak to say it out loud. I faced her. But all I can see is her back and her long blonde hair. She's really going to leave.. I'm reaching my hands for her but she never turned around. As I saw her held the doorknob on her hands I wanted to stop her. I wanted to hug her. I wanted this pain to go away.. But, I can't.. I can't. I hate myself for being too weak. For being a coward.

As I heard the door closes I kneeled down to the floor and put my palms on my face. I can't control my sobs.. i cry and break down there.. she's gone.. she's gone.. I looked at the door and whispered again to myself.

"I love you Miyu.." I said between my uncontrollable sobs. " I love you.."

** okaaaay.. uhm.. so.. it was kinda hard for me to write this. Hehehe. I don't know exactly how to portray a man's grief. LOL. That's why you can tell me if you didn't like it. by the way, next chapter will be the last. :) Review, please?


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